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Right after Halloween I automatically get into the Christmas Spirit! Ever since I was a little girl Christmas has always been my fav. I love the décor, the songs, the movies, holiday parties it all makes me so jolly. Of course, it goes without saying that I’m most grateful God sent his son to be born, die and be resurrected. It’s all just so wonderful! But can we talk about the holiday single blues? For 15 years I had someone to share the holidays with. We planned, bought presents, and often traveled to be with family. While the thought of Christmas still makes me feel all tingly inside, I also am experiencing this huge lump of dread in my throat.
Photo Credit: Marissa Daeger
Change is hard and finding a new normal sucks! Let’s just be real. Divorce truly feels like a death, that part of my life is gone and I know all the important things such as this is my time for freedom and rediscovery, but I literally feel like I’m walking around with a blind fold on. What do I do with my time? Who do I talk to? Who is going to be there when I need to bury my head in their chest? All of these things were readily at my fingertips even more so during the holiday season. The campuses are closed, work at the office is slowed down so there’s more time to watch holiday flicks, bake cookies with kids and cuddle by the fireplace.
Just the thought of the absence of my married life gives me great anxiety. Yes, it was for the best, I find myself feeling free and light weight but at the very same time also extremely heavy. In my quiet time with God, sometimes I ask him why he made our emotions so complex. How is it that you can be happy and sad all at the same time? Next, I ask him how do I navigate through this? I cry out, Lord! I know you built me for the wife life, I thought I had the right formula but it just exploded right before my eyes.
Will this Christmas be jolly? Can I weather this storm of newly found singleness? I tell you what my friends, I’m trying my best, but it is most difficult. This new dynamic reminds me a lot of how I felt when my mom died. I talked to her every single day; she was present at every major milestone in my life then one day it just ended! I had to get down on my knees and pat the ground to find my way again. At this very moment I feel myself doing the same. It’s a misty fog this holiday season, I know there is light somewhere beyond the forest but right now it’s dark and I feel lost.
My plan, is to continue seeking the Lord, studying what it is that he says about me and who I am in him. I plan to surround myself with family and friends and enjoy every second because as we all know, tomorrow is not promised. This holiday blues won’t get me down it’ll turn into a beautiful song that I’ll add to the playlist of my single journey.