On this new journey of singleness, I’ve tried to put my experience to words and in the last few months I feel as though I’m playing peek-a-boo with myself. I’ve heard so many encouraging things like “This is going to be good for you” “Get to know yourself” “Find out what you want” “Find out who you are”. That’s the thing... When I thought I knew who I was, or what I wanted, realistically it was wrapped up in what someone else wanted and this is in all areas of my life. I recently found this out about myself, due to some childhood trauma, I do and say things in exchange for love. In the back of my mind, I feel like love or worth from others needs to be earned.
Photo Credit: Logan Weaver- Unsplash
I follow a phenomenal public figure, Melissa Fredericks, or better known as MrsKevonstage. She has a motto that says, “I am worth it, as is, without change, without exception. I love this because the same way that God loves me just because….and there’s nothing that I have to do to earn it. He has mandated husbands to love their wives in the same manner. When it is right and meant to be, I will not have to complete an obstacle course in order for my mate to love me. It is taking some refocusing and retraining to throw those thoughts of earning love away, but I’m getting there.
A little transparency… sitting on my couch in silence, or binge watching a show alone is difficult for me (for extended periods of time). In the search of the new, or real Mi, I ask “Is this cool, do you like this?” Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no, hence my metaphor of peek-a-boo. It can be a fun but also a frustrating game at the same time. “Wheeere’s Elyse?!” “Peek-a-boo" “There she is!” “Oop! No, she went away!”
Sifting my motives is now the new project. When I meet someone new that I am romantically interested in, I have to sort through those familiar behaviors. Why do I want to make this guy dinner or send them lunch on the job? Is this Mi trying to prove that I’m a good catch? Or can I truly sit in the confidence and comfort that I’m worthy and a great catch no matter if I do those things or not. Again, all the reprogramming of my mind. As you can see, I still have a lot to unpack here but I’m coming along.
Photo Credit: Disruptiv0-Unsplash
When I think back to the object of peek-a-boo it’s normally played with an infant or toddler to get them to smile, it’s not a serious game such as chess or a crossword puzzle. This memory helped me to get back on task of not taking myself too seriously and putting the heavy responsibility or expectation of wife life on me.
In my daily game of peek-a-boo and I get a glimpse of SingleMi I need to laugh and have fun with her and if she quickly disappears, I’ll patiently wait for the next peek to come through.
Photo Credit: Nick Owuor-Unsplash.jpg